My specific experience comes from heartbreak. Yours may be the same, or it may be something else: sickness, infertility, loneliness, lack of direction for your future, maybe even sorrow from transgression.
We're all on this road together, but our individual steps tread heavy and feel awfully alone.
We search for all sorts of therapies to numb the grief...shopping, music, movies, food, hobbies, travel, maybe even work or time spent with friends and families. But for me those never fill the ache, they only postpone the inevitable.
This first deep, true love that I had...what an experience. What beauty and good there was, what a truly magical thing. But it was even more than that. I would not attempt to forget or erase it for the world, or try to sell it for less than it was because it really was everything deeply beautiful and good and sacred and passionate I could ever hope for. It awakened a "me" in myself that I never knew and opened up channels of desire to love and serve and bless that I didn't know existed in my poor little heart. It was sweet and tender and gentle and touched somewhere so deep inside that I know I will forever be changed. I also know that at least for me, not a single minute of it was wasted. I cherish those memories as mine and could never degrade them or be bitter about them.
But I have been bitter about why they had to stop. Bitter about why I seemed to have no control and that things changed without any real honest communication before it was already too late. Bitterness about unanswered questions.
But I have finally come to understand something. Just because there's a giant crater of hurt and pain does not mean that there is no hope. Having faith and hope does not automatically negate that hurt and pain, and that's okay. We have hope through the pain, not instead of it. What is it that we are taught to have hope for?
"Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ" (Moroni 7:41)
I have found that the biggest blessing in my trial has been to choose peace over understanding. Peace that is promised by God in so many different places, peace that is borne of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and everything that that entails.
"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and your minds" (Philippians 4:7)
There are so many things that I don't understand and many unanswered questions, but I have come to learn that peace can still be had in the midst of confusion and hurt. Letting go of my preconceptions of what I have planned for my life and accepting the path God leads me in will put me in the right place at the right time, even if it's not what I want. And if I allow it, I believe that the Spirit can guide my desires and my heart to the things that God has planned for me.
The question has been though, will I allow it? Am I ready to really let go once and for all?
I like to think I am, but it's hard because the sorrow is familiar and comfortable. After over a year, I am coming to know it is time to trust in the Lord.
Will I still have worries and pain? You bet. But at some point it doesn't have to be debilitating anymore. The beauty of the atonement of Jesus Christ is that it is an enabling power, allowing me to grow and become better. It doesn't cheat me of the mortal experience, but rather enriches it. And what a beautiful moment when understanding of the Savior's enabling power finally comes to fruition.
Things don't always work out, and that's so hard. But I have to remember... "in the gift of his Son hath God prepared a more excellent way; and it is by faith that it hath been fulfilled" (Ether 12:11).
Elder Scott speaks on this more eloquently than I ever could. Take a listen, and I challenge you to share his words of counsel with any who may need them at this time.
Love to you all.
