Decisions and Hope

Hello dear friends...I hope you are doing well, wherever you are. And if you're not, I am praying for you!

I haven't really updated on my life for quite some time. Oops.



Well anyway. I have had so much change in my life in the last two years. One of these days I just hope I make the decision that's the right one so I don't have to keep restarting things :). A few weeks ago my mom shared this quote with me:

Then she told me "You are always doing something new!" And I thought to myself, "I am always doing something new for the first time! There's never a break!" I have yet to decide how good of a thing that really is. I know it's good to get out of your comfort zone, but really...after two years of unyielding change in my life I'm ready for things to slow down even just a teensy bit. Change is good. I just would not like to have to move again...or make new friends again...or start over in a new ward again...or switch areas I specialize in at work...for even a year. But here I am - looking for new housing already and still not really knowing anybody down here, getting ready to orient in the NICU, and thinking about different possibilities of a career. Might I add... I am much, much too young for this. And so unprepared for this new job. I am not a very good pediatric nurse I decided! Though I will admit it's fun to interact with the little kiddos as long as they don't burst into tears when you enter the room.

In other words...I am hoping that I start making decisions where I don't feel the need to change again. Maybe I'm being too picky instead of being content with what I've been handed. But I can't help but feel like I'm not there yet, wherever "there" is, so change it is.

There's some things I've really been struggling with lately, and this weekend I felt prompted to study the life of Rachel from the Old Testament (for various reasons, I've resonated with her and her story this last little bit of my life). I started by searching through a book on women from the New Testament given to me by a dear friend of mine. There's a whole chapter on Leah and Rachel.

I learned so much and had my eyes opened to all new understanding in the story of these two sisters. What caught my attention most was this thought about Rachel from the author:

"In many ways, barrenness is symbolic of any unrealized righteous desire or unforeseen difficulty that strikes everyone sooner or later. When such blessings as marriage, health, education, a home, or believing family members elude us, we may better relate to these wives of the patriarchs during their trial of barrenness. The irony presents itself when one receives God's promise of the desired blessing but current circumstances deny any foreseeable manner that the blessing could be realized. But 'faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen' (JST Hebrews 11:1)" (italics added)

I have really, really struggled with this. In fact, I was just discussing this with a good friend from college the other day. Sometimes you just don't get what you want...you don't the the job, the spouse, the vacation, the dream house or kids...for some, it just doesn't happen for reasons I do not fully know or understand. I struggled (and still do occasionally) with actually hoping for things that are promised when - from my perspective - there's no way they could ever come to pass. Why bother hoping for something I feel like I'm never going to get when I could just be focusing that energy on accomplishing something else with my life?  Even though I desperately want Plan A, I've come to terms that it might not ever happen and have come up with a pretty awesome Plan B.

I'm usually pretty stubborn and independent and take things the way they are, and don't leave much room for hope. Then I read these scriptures about having hope and I feel guilty, because I really feel like I have none. But Saturday night, for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I began to feel just the tiniest sliver of hope. And even more miraculous, I felt okay with that.

I prayed for direction and guidance, and going into church yesterday I fasted for the same. There have been so many questions and concerns I have been praying about for so long that are so dear to my heart, and I just have never really felt like I've gotten an answer. It has been so lonely, and I've felt like I'm really making all of my decisions in the dark.

But I will tell you something...the priesthood is real. After church yesterday I went to go be set apart for my new calling (as the...dun dun dun...ward pianist...betcha didn't see that one coming!) and didn't really expect much from it. I've had priesthood blessings before, and they have all brought peace and comfort and assurance. But today...I was speechless. Brother Coplin, the bishopric member who set me apart, knows nothing about me except where I'm from and that I'm a nurse. And although the blessing was quick, I tell you what - there is no way that he could have known that the words of counsel he spoke were the exact answers I have been waiting and looking for for such a long time...months and years. He spoke in no vague or general terms, they were very specific and direct. After he concluded, he turned to me and said "You really struggle with [this] don't you?" I told him I did and he proceeded to talk about what a neat opportunity it was for him to be able to take part in these blessings and come to know us better through the Spirit. I just felt so humbled to receive such direct and detailed instruction, and it was a real testimony-builder for me that God is aware of us and speaks directly to us today.

I had to wait a long time to get my answer. Not as long as others have had to wait, and I still didn't get all of it, but I got enough to feel peace and to know what step to take next. And even though I had to wait, it was such a comfort to have it come through my priesthood leader. I have received personal revelation on my own numerous times, but sometimes I wonder and am hesitant because I'm not sure if it's my own thoughts and feelings or really revelation from a loving Father. And today, with something that really has been of most concern to me these last few years, Heavenly Father sent it through one of His messengers who had no clue that I was looking and waiting for this answer, thus ensuring that I would recognize it as revelation and not the thoughts of my own heart. My heart has been so full with gratitude for that experience.

His guidance provided a better pattern for me to follow in prayer, and ensured that I would obtain the desires I had in coming to Utah (I had three specific reasons for coming here). And again, for the first time in a very long time, I felt really truly peaceful about what lies in store for me. I don't know everything, but I know enough.

If you're waiting for an answer too, I hope that you have more hope and faith than I have had. I know it's hard, it's so hard--but I know that the Lord really does have a plan. I can guarantee you that patience is required. But there is joy to be had in the journey. I have been hurting for so long that it has been hard for me to see much of anything, including the hand of the Lord. We'll have our time to be hurt and to really feel that, and that's okay. However, it is never okay to leave God out of that, we can't afford it...even if our problems don't get fixed how or when we want them to.

I'm not perfect at this by any means or stretch of the imagination. But today, God reminded me that not only does He have a plan, He cares about me now. Not just in the past or at some unforeseeable future date when I've accomplished all He wants me to. He is aware of me now. And He's aware of you too. Tonight I'm praying that we can all see that a little bit clearer.

Love to you all :).