Asking For a Favor

Hello hello friends. I'm actually quite surprised at myself for posting again so soon, but I've been thinking a lot about this. And 1,000 apologies in advance, because it's going to be a long one.

And it's one of those posts. I'm just asking you to bear with me, because I'm going to be totally and completely, 100% honest. 

I don't always share these thoughts with people, because on the occasion that I do,  I am usually told "Don't worry, things will work out someday" or "You're so lucky to have all this time and money and no commitments" or (my personal favorite) "You're such a catch, I'm sure you'll find a guy."

Before I proceed with the rest of this post, I just want to give a disclaimer...in no way do I mean to offend anyone by my comments. That is not my intention at all. Because I know that these comments mentioned in the previous paragraph are given out of love, encouragement, and all well-meaning things.

BUT...I just feel like I need to share how I'm really feeling. And not because anyone needs to know, but for my own validation really.

This is not to say that words of encouragement and advice and well-wishes and hope are not appreciated. I am probably the last person on this earth who really has her act together. I am so grateful for - and often need - support and advice from friends and family who have a greater perspective than I do.

However. With that being said, please keep the following thoughts in mind. And like I said, in no way do I mean to offend or seem ungrateful. I'm just taking a stab at being vulnerable - because I'm not very good at it - and being brutally honest.

It all started with this song. Well, not the song itself, but William Fitzsimmons perfectly penned the story of my life...the words from someone who used to be a dear friend. Please listen to it before going on, just because it's beautiful. And short.

Coupled with this quote, we have the perfect background for my story.

No, this post is not about this past dear friend...there are plenty of other posts about that. We don't speak anymore, and I finally came to terms with the fact that it always meant more to me than it did to him (though I can't blame him for that, sometimes that's just the way it works).

It is, however, about how that relationship has affected so much (see this post).

Sometimes I can be really good at faking being hopeful and realizing there are better things ahead. But to be honest...those days are very far and few between.

Most days, I really don't see how it will work out. For those who have been blessed with wonderful relationships and marriages and children, it might be easy to promise that it will happen for me too.

But your experience has not been mine. There are so many uncertainties and doubts I face not only about myself, but also about my future because of what I experienced with this relationship.

I'm not asking for pity, because I've still had a lot of fun. I've had a lot of great social experiences and a lot of great guy friends that I've learned lots from. But I am saying that unless you're in that situation too...please don't judge me when I say I'm never going to get married, or encourage me otherwise, because honestly...I don't have the best track record. 

Having guys pretend like they cared when they really didn't hasn't exactly done much to boost my confidence that anybody really will care. The song I posted above pretty well covers my experience in that field.

Like I said, I'm not trying to complain. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. 

To be honest, I'm not sure if I will ever find someone else who will also make me feel that deep fire again. I want to hope I will, but if I don't -- do I really want to settle for less when I know that it was possible for someone to make me feel that way? I know I've still got years ahead of me, but like I said...my history has not done much to build my hope.

That is why I am making plans for my life. I just started applying for nurse practitioner programs. I've jumped back and forth for a while about what to do with my career and with grad school, and I finally feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I'm not a superstar nurse or a clinical encyclopedia, but I think I'm good at what I do and have been given special gifts to help my patients when they are feeling really vulnerable. I want to use these gifts to help people. 

And it would be nice sometimes to just get encouragement and support for taking that route without any mention of potential relationships or spouses or families. Believe me, I want all those things that you have too...I ache for it and I often feel guilty for pursuing my career because what if I'm missing out on those opportunities? Me pursuing my career has nothing to do with not wanting those things, but everything to do with still trying to bless the lives of other people if I don't get married and have children. 

I know that being a wife and mother is the ultimate calling and our crowning glory and "the best thing that's ever happened to me" according to all those Facebook moms on my newsfeed. And I think it's wonderful, and I am so happy for you. And I think you should share that happiness and joy with others. I am more than happy to hear it, honestly and truly. It makes my heart happy to see others so happy. 

I guess the bottom line of this post is...I am just asking for a little support of my decisions and my future without mention of dating or relationships or any of that, because even if I don't get to have "the ultimate calling" it would be nice to know that what I'm doing is good and supported just because it is a good thing to want to help people, and has nothing to do with me being single.  There is so much more to me than my relationship status and I don't feel like it defines any part of me. 

And if I make jokes about being a nun, just laugh with me and roll with it. 

Now that I've reached the end, 1,000 apologies again. I really, really don't mean to come across as complaining, ungrateful, attacking or any synonym of those things. I only needed to be honest about something that I am struggling with right now and thought it might be helpful for those closest to me to understand a little better what I'm going through. I'm not asking for pity or sympathy. I just need a little time to figure hope out for myself. I still have some baggage to work through from my past before I can feel confident enough to not feel terrified to even flirt with somebody. (But let's be real, I'm terrible at flirting anyway! haha). 

THANK YOU, thank you all for the amazing friends and family you have been throughout my life. I would definitely not have come this far without you, and all the best things in my life are because of you. I wouldn't trade you for the world. Like I mentioned earlier in the post, it's not that these words of encouragement and hope are not appreciated - it's just that at least right now, given my own situation, I don't see how hoping for those things will cause anything but disappointment. I'm sure that will change at some point in the future (hopefully the near future) but right now I just need time. 

Hopefully you'll come back to read again. I promise I'll have more uplifting content next time ;). Thanks for letting me vent. 

LOVE YOU ALL, do good things :).