Because my heart is breaking just a little bit. Maybe a lot bit.
You see, I found out yesterday that I officially need to move in order to finish my schooling. It is something that I've been anticipating, but over the last few weeks I wasn't quite sure when or where I would actually need to move...it could have been in a few weeks, it could have been August. It could have been California, it could have been North Carolina - due to a lot of uncontrollable factors I just didn't know. Maybe I wouldn't even have to move at all.
Yesterday a miracle happened and I finally got a preceptor for my clinical course this summer (several weeks behind schedule). After meeting her and her staff, I feel unbelievably lucky to do my rotation there and that she was so willing to take me as a student at the last minute. But in order to do my rotation with her, I have to relocate - her office is located five hours away, and I can't afford to make that commute every week. Not to mention that from here on out, my school load is increasingly heavier because I added extra classes and clinical to my curriculum.
So last night, I sent my letter of resignation to my boss. And I totally cried.
I'm going to really miss being a bedside nurse. Ever since starting my master's degree, I find myself feeling a little nostalgic at work and trying to savor all of the sweet experiences that I have there, because they now need to last me a lifetime. There's something about being there for a baby's first breath, their first bath, answering questions of anxious first time parents and teaching them how to swaddle a baby, making friends and joking with the patients and their families. There's something about feeding a baby in the NICU at 3 am, and being there for the little babes when their parents can't be there.
When I worked in pediatrics, I was always amazed at the enthusiasm of these little kiddos - how brave they are and how they try not to let things get to them. I even got to take care of two little guys on peds that I took care of for a couple months in the NICU...and even though they weren't my children, I was so excited to see them again and how much they were growing and progressing. The kids get so excited to tell you that they ate their whole popsicle or finally were able to go to the bathroom, or they show you their cool new toys and brightly-colored shoes. And it's kind of fun when they flash you a toothless grin when they make their daily walk around the nursing unit.
I remember feeling so overwhelmed as a nursing student in the hospital, and now the hospital is like home to me. My coworkers are my second family. And it rips at my heart to have to leave. Truly, hospitals have become such a special, special place to me and I don't quite know what I'll do without it.
I still am really excited about being a nurse practitioner, and this is where I've always wanted to be. But since the type of nurse practitioner certification I'm pursuing doesn't yield many hospital positions, I am wrestling with my farewell to the inpatient world.
And just because I'm hanging on to every last bit, I want to share some videos with you...there are so many of them on YouTube, but these two stuck out to me this week.
This first one, tear jerker for sure. It's patients and families like these that keep you coming back to work.
This one may take place in the ER, but they are the types experiences nurses on every unit will go through on a daily basis. You never know what's going to walk through the door, and you're there to take care of a patient at a very vulnerable time.
My journey of becoming a nurse is easily one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm so grateful that I'll always get to carry "RN" behind my name.
