As is consistent with most new years, I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned over the last year and how the experiences I've had have influenced me and changed me. I thought I'd share with you some of my reflections about 2017.
Life Keeps on Moving, Anyway
Actually, this is a phrase from a Carrie Underwood song that has stuck with me ever since last New Year's Day. I happened to be working at the hospital on January 1st, 2017 and we had a pretty scary situation with a patient on labor & delivery. Everything happened so quickly, and I thought for a moment we might lose both mom and baby. What a way to start the new year. After we got the patient into the operating room, I came back out to talk to her husband. In that moment, this line - "life keeps on moving, anyway" - came through my mind. That morning everything had been relatively fine, but deteriorated quickly and now the fate of both his wife and baby lay in the hands of a very skilled OBGYN. Only three hours had passed since they had woken up for the day and yet so much had changed. And he had no other option but to bide the time and wait for the outcome - survive the outcome - knowing that he couldn't stop time. It was not going to slow down or wait for him to process or plan. Life just happens, it doesn't stop and it doesn't wait. That experience has stuck with me all year. It was a reminder that life moves forward whether I hop on the train or not. It may be difficult, and it may be during the hardest time of my life, but I hope I'll choose to keep moving forward.
Life does keep on moving. Even in good times. I hope I will be better about cherishing each moment for what it is, learning from it what I need to. And most of all I hope that I will also be willing to move forward to pursue my dreams even when I doubt my abilities.
Imposter Syndrome is Real
The glaring reality of imposter syndrome has settled in me as I have started seeing patients in the clinic as a nurse practitioner student. It is nice to be able to do something about the things I find on a physical exam or through the patient's history. If it feels like someone's thyroid is enlarged, I don't just report the findings to the doctor and go on my way- I get to order the tests and referrals. And while that is immensely satisfying to play a part in solving and treating the problem, it is a tremendous amount of responsibility. It is someone's life and health and well-being.
It's easy to feel unprepared because, well, I am. Despite receiving training at my number one choice graduate school, I am still a novice. And even those who aren't novices still don't know everything, even though we all want to. How do you possibly feel comfortable giving someone a diagnosis and treatment when you really don't know everything? By working your tail off. By studying even when you don't want to. And taking advantage of every teaching opportunity with your mentors. I am grateful that so far I have had good, experienced clinicians as my preceptors to help teach me and guide me along as I learn the art of being a nurse practitioner. And while "imposter syndrome" is not a comfortable feeling, it drives me to be better, to keep studying and keep learning. To continue collaborating with and learning from others. To not let unresolved patient problems go. And maybe someday, with time, practice and experience, I will feel like less of an imposter.
There is Bad, But There is Also Good
The media can be so toxic these days. And I'm not talking necessarily about news sources (though please do appropriate vetting for the sites you follow). I'm talking people on the internet who are nasty and mean and hide under the face of anonymity. I'm talking about people who would rather fight and prove wrong and belittle than look for ways to gently correct and provide thoughtful, meaningful dialogue. And people who are too proud or ignorant to accept help or correction, even when given kindly, and resort to name calling instead (p.s. those statements can be applied to both parties). And I suppose this does include news sources that seem to only focus on the fanatical.
I have made friends with many people this year who share different beliefs than me - not just politically and religiously, but in approaches to life in general. And my life is much richer for it. It has been hope-renewing to surround myself with people who seek for the good in each other and in their circumstances, and draw on commonalities to build friendships and reach goals. I think this is more common than we sometimes think, but social media makes it so easy to isolate ourselves from genuine human interaction.
Because I do believe that social media has its place and can be good, I have made intentional efforts this year to follow people who are truly inspiring and do-gooders, instead of getting lost in the abysmal drain of abrasive comments on news sites and Facebook. Focusing instead on people making efforts to provide clean water in Africa, educating orphans in South America, helping first-generation college students afford schooling, and providing desperately needed healthcare to impoverished countries. People volunteering locally at homeless shelters, empowering single parents in their community, helping refugees, running for charities, and singing at nursing homes. These people inspire me that I can do it, too. Dear friends, there are so many good people still in this world. I hope we will not only look for them, but BE them.
Hygge
This is a concept that I was introduced to in early 2017 that immediately resonated with me, and I have tried to incorporate it in my life as often as I can. I'm sharing it last because I feel like it's a hopeful kind of thing, which is good for the new year, right?
Maybe hope is the wrong word. But for me, hygge has meant letting things be. Not necessarily moving on from them, but not dwelling on them either. It has meant living in the moment, finding peace and calm, slowing down, and truly appreciating life - and not just the busy-ness that we sometimes mistake life to be.
For me, embraced throughout the year, hygge has meant lots of soul-calming music (see below), lots of candles, soft sparkly fairy lights, quiet drives on Sunday afternoons, wearing comfy clothes at home, soft blankets, and being truly present around friends and family. It's meant warm food and drinks and occasionally sparkling cider before bed. I've made an effort to have this be more of a lifestyle than occasional weeknight or weekend, and I have to tell you - it has made such a difference. I feel so much more connected with myself, with God, and with the world around me.
Also, it was so difficult to narrow down just one song to share with you here. I have three or four different playlists that really calm my soul and keep things in perspective. Songs for soft and quiet and contemplative days. Songs for beauty and songs for sorrow, filling whatever hole in your heart you may need filled at the time. But I settled on this one :).
Wishing you all the best for 2018!
