This has been a big year for me (even though it didn't always feel like it). I suppose I have been preparing for it for a long time, but as I look back I just feel blessed.
I did so many things this year that were out of my comfort zone, and I accomplished some things that have been on my "bucket list" since I was a kid. It was actually really satisfying to write parts of it down because for far too long I've believed that I wasn't enough because I wasn't as skinny, as smart, or as beautiful as others. That for some reason because I didn't hold society's standard of success and beauty, I deserved less than. That I couldn't have love, or a family, or have an impactful career. That my life would always be lived only on the edge of something truly great until I finally was skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or even rich enough. I didn't believe that was true for other people, but I really believed it was true for myself though I wanted desperately not to. And if there are others of you out there who feel this way too, I hope you'll stop it.
Because this year, I made an honest effort to really fight that mentality (most times anyways). And this is what happened because of it:
I finished my master's degree - a lifelong goal.
I graduated from a school that I had always heard about, but never in my wildest dreams thought I would attend.
I passed another board certification exam.
I worked out more often and more consistently than I ever have before and ate a lot more whole foods (not that you can tell haha - thank you PCOS - but I feel a difference and am stronger than I've ever been).
I networked with and reached out to others to make professional connections for my career - as a somewhat shy and introverted individual, this was a big deal!
Along the lines of networking, I was nervous about my job prospects after graduation so I was really proactive in my job search and it paid off.
I negotiated my salary and benefits after an initial job offer, even though I was terrified out of my mind to do it.
I moved out on my own - first time living alone without roommates or family. 100% of the responsibility on me. A home to make my own.
I participated in a lot more social events when traveling alone across the country instead of just exploring solo.
I stood firm in my beliefs even when I was criticized by dear friends. But on that note, I made dear friends who although differ from me in many ways, make my life much much richer.
I also went to a therapist and it was great. I think therapy is a highly underutilized tool.
This year I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, tried new things, and continued to work hard to meet my goals. I still slipped up a lot of times, and many times I still was inhibited by my weaknesses and fear. I am definitely not perfect, and there were lost opportunities and things that didn't work out despite my efforts. My life definitely doesn't look like I imagined it would 10 years ago, and I will probably say the same thing 10 years from now.
But my life is still a good life, even in the wake of my insecurities. There is yet more good to do and become. There are yet more friends to make and dreams to reach. We are all worthy and deserving of good things, and I hope you won't be inhibited by the expectations of others for as long as I was.
As we enter the holiday season I hope we remember also the Giver of all good gifts, and remember that the Atonement of Christ truly is an enabling power that will help us in every good thing ❤️
Man you guys, this year has FLOWN by. Of course there have been good times and bad, but that's about consistent every year. I can't even believe that I have been in my MSN program for two whole years already. What is this crazy life??
As is consistent with most new years, I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned over the last year and how the experiences I've had have influenced me and changed me. I thought I'd share with you some of my reflections about 2017.
Life Keeps on Moving, Anyway
Actually, this is a phrase from a Carrie Underwood song that has stuck with me ever since last New Year's Day. I happened to be working at the hospital on January 1st, 2017 and we had a pretty scary situation with a patient on labor & delivery. Everything happened so quickly, and I thought for a moment we might lose both mom and baby. What a way to start the new year. After we got the patient into the operating room, I came back out to talk to her husband. In that moment, this line - "life keeps on moving, anyway" - came through my mind. That morning everything had been relatively fine, but deteriorated quickly and now the fate of both his wife and baby lay in the hands of a very skilled OBGYN. Only three hours had passed since they had woken up for the day and yet so much had changed. And he had no other option but to bide the time and wait for the outcome - survive the outcome - knowing that he couldn't stop time. It was not going to slow down or wait for him to process or plan. Life just happens, it doesn't stop and it doesn't wait. That experience has stuck with me all year. It was a reminder that life moves forward whether I hop on the train or not. It may be difficult, and it may be during the hardest time of my life, but I hope I'll choose to keep moving forward.
Life does keep on moving.Even in good times. I hope I will be better about cherishing each moment for what it is, learning from it what I need to. And most of all I hope that I will also be willing to move forward to pursue my dreams even when I doubt my abilities.
Imposter Syndrome is Real
The glaring reality of imposter syndrome has settled in me as I have started seeing patients in the clinic as a nurse practitioner student. It is nice to be able to do something about the things I find on a physical exam or through the patient's history. If it feels like someone's thyroid is enlarged, I don't just report the findings to the doctor and go on my way- I get to order the tests and referrals. And while that is immensely satisfying to play a part in solving and treating the problem, it is a tremendous amount of responsibility. It is someone's life and health and well-being.
It's easy to feel unprepared because, well, I am. Despite receiving training at my number one choice graduate school, I am still a novice. And even those who aren't novices still don't know everything, even though we all want to. How do you possibly feel comfortable giving someone a diagnosis and treatment when you really don't know everything? By working your tail off. By studying even when you don't want to. And taking advantage of every teaching opportunity with your mentors. I am grateful that so far I have had good, experienced clinicians as my preceptors to help teach me and guide me along as I learn the art of being a nurse practitioner. And while "imposter syndrome" is not a comfortable feeling, it drives me to be better, to keep studying and keep learning. To continue collaborating with and learning from others. To not let unresolved patient problems go. And maybe someday, with time, practice and experience, I will feel like less of an imposter.
There is Bad, But There is Also Good
The media can be so toxic these days. And I'm not talking necessarily about news sources (though please do appropriate vetting for the sites you follow). I'm talking people on the internet who are nasty and mean and hide under the face of anonymity. I'm talking about people who would rather fight and prove wrong and belittle than look for ways to gently correct and provide thoughtful, meaningful dialogue. And people who are too proud or ignorant to accept help or correction, even when given kindly, and resort to name calling instead (p.s. those statements can be applied to both parties). And I suppose this does include news sources that seem to only focus on the fanatical.
I have made friends with many people this year who share different beliefs than me - not just politically and religiously, but in approaches to life in general. And my life is much richer for it. It has been hope-renewing to surround myself with people who seek for the good in each other and in their circumstances, and draw on commonalities to build friendships and reach goals. I think this is more common than we sometimes think, but social media makes it so easy to isolate ourselves from genuine human interaction.
Because I do believe that social media has its place and can be good, I have made intentional efforts this year to follow people who are truly inspiring and do-gooders, instead of getting lost in the abysmal drain of abrasive comments on news sites and Facebook. Focusing instead on people making efforts to provide clean water in Africa, educating orphans in South America, helping first-generation college students afford schooling, and providing desperately needed healthcare to impoverished countries. People volunteering locally at homeless shelters, empowering single parents in their community, helping refugees, running for charities, and singing at nursing homes. These people inspire me that I can do it, too. Dear friends, there are so many good people still in this world. I hope we will not only look for them, but BE them.
Hygge
This is a concept that I was introduced to in early 2017 that immediately resonated with me, and I have tried to incorporate it in my life as often as I can. I'm sharing it last because I feel like it's a hopeful kind of thing, which is good for the new year, right?
Maybe hope is the wrong word. But for me, hygge has meant letting things be. Not necessarily moving on from them, but not dwelling on them either. It has meant living in the moment, finding peace and calm, slowing down, and truly appreciating life - and not just the busy-ness that we sometimes mistake life to be.
For me, embraced throughout the year, hygge has meant lots of soul-calming music (see below), lots of candles, soft sparkly fairy lights, quiet drives on Sunday afternoons, wearing comfy clothes at home, soft blankets, and being truly present around friends and family. It's meant warm food and drinks and occasionally sparkling cider before bed. I've made an effort to have this be more of a lifestyle than occasional weeknight or weekend, and I have to tell you - it has made such a difference. I feel so much more connected with myself, with God, and with the world around me.
Also, it was so difficult to narrow down just one song to share with you here. I have three or four different playlists that really calm my soul and keep things in perspective. Songs for soft and quiet and contemplative days. Songs for beauty and songs for sorrow, filling whatever hole in your heart you may need filled at the time. But I settled on this one :).
Oh dear friends. I have had a hard time keeping up with my blog this year, I have been so busy with school! But I really wanted to give an update. A reflection on 2017 is coming a little later :) This has been a really "growing" year for me.
I am just finishing my sixth semester at Duke. Sixth! Man. Sometimes I wish I could have taken more advantage of all of the resources and opportunities provided at this school, but it was enough to barely keep up with homework and work. Two semesters left! I just found out today that my next rotation is in Idaho Falls which I'm really grateful for. Hoping for a really good experience! I do not know yet who my preceptor will be, but I'm hoping for the best. I finish all my didactic courses next semester, which means that the summer will be my final synthesis courses for both women's health and endocrinology - translating into about a bajillion clinical hours over the summer. But then I'll be done in August! I'm planning to take my boards the first of September and have already bought materials to start studying for the exam. That is unreal :). I'm actually going to be a nurse practitioner.
This year the transition of my role from registered nurse to nurse practitioner has felt much more real. I have noticed a shift in my approach to problems and health in general. I look through the case studies in my homework and am more easily noticing red flags, noting things I'd want to change, identifying what I would further assess, what labs I would order, how I would start my treatment plan, etc. I have honestly learned so much, though you can never know enough. And I am loving every minute of it! One of the physicians I follow on Instagram is an OBGYN, and a few weeks ago she posted a video about the different types of twins - it was the coolest thing ever. I totally spent the rest of the night looking up placentas and twins and I knew that I definitely chose the right field. Something that I have found to be really interesting though is how much I am really enjoying gynecology. I chose to become a WHNP because I really loved working with my pregnant/postpartum moms as an RN, but as I go through school and my rotations I am finding that I really really love the gynecology aspect of the job too, not just obstetrics! Women's health in general is an awesome field because there's so much to see and there's a pretty good mix of procedures too (which I love, I'm definitely a hands-on person!). As a WHNP, there are lots of places I could potentially work - primary care of women, OBGYN, maternal fetal medicine, reproductive endocrinology/infertility, or even gynecologic oncology. And all of them sound pretty good to me! I am a little nervous about being able to find a job after I graduate but I have always felt very good about this path, so we will just have to wait and see where I end up!
AND...I got to insert an IUD during my rotation in October. That was the coolest thing ever. Seriously, I loved it. I love doing exams and procedure skills that are a reflection of my graduate training and education. It really is kind of unreal to me that I'm going to be a nurse practitioner! But imposter syndrome is real...more to come on that in the next post.
Side note: I have three IUDs sitting in my closet right now. They are educational models that don't have any hormone in them, but they're such pretty colors and I don't think I'll ever be able to part with them. I'm thinking of adding one of them to my keychain.
Also, I have learned SO MUCH in my diabetes class this semester. I am so grateful for the opportunity to study endocrinology in greater depth at Duke. There are so many endocrine problems that are prevalent in our society today, and I feel much better prepared to take care of people with these disorders. I will tell you though that learning the pharmacology for this diabetes class has been BRUTAL. There are about a billion different types of insulin, as well as five or six other classes of meds used to treat diabetes - not including the medications that diabetics are frequently on due to co-morbid conditions (like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.). So much to learn, but this class has helped me immensely. Seriously cannot say enough good things about it. I finished my last assignment tonight, and it was a case study about a long-standing Type 1 diabetic who hadn't had medical care in a while. It was kind of neat to realize I knew what changes I needed to make to his insulin regimen without looking it up first (though of course I verified it with up to date resources and clinical practice guidelines). Prescribing insulin was so intimidating to me at the beginning of the semester but I feel much more comfortable with it now. Grateful to have such a good professor!
I am so happy that it's finally December. It may not be a popular opinion, but I truly love winter. I love the snow and the cold and the atmosphere during the winter months. So glad to finally have snow and icicles and quiet, hushed Earth. Love it so much :).
Anyway, that's about it for me. I'm feeling kind of sad that my time at Duke is coming to a close this next year. I have had such a wonderful experience and wish I could be a student there forever (though I really don't want to pay for that, ha!).
I came back from a trip to Duke a few weeks ago, thought I would share a few more details of what I do during these trips! (Also apologies in advance as this will be kinda long).
I was actually looking forward to this trip to North Carolina; I've been to campus enough times now that I feel comfortable and familiar with the trip, navigating the town and medical campus, and my classmates are my friends. So even though it was still technically "school," I was really looking forward to just enjoying the trip, spending time with my classmates, and taking advantage of all the learning opportunities!
My flight left Boise on a Tuesday morning (earrrrly) and I got to Raleigh by the afternoon. I picked up my rental car then drove to Durham (~25 minutes) and checked into my hotel and unloaded my things. My women's health program had a "meet and greet" about an hour after I got to the hotel, so I ran over to campus to meet some of the classmates I hadn't met yet, and chatted with my advisor for a bit. It was fun to meet people in my cohort I hadn't had the opportunity to meet yet!
Goodbye West Coast!!
After the meet and greet I went to the grocery store to load up on groceries for the week and buy water bottles. I spent the rest of the night resting and reviewing about 60 pages worth of articles about headaches and migraines (particularly in the pediatric population) for a lecture the next day.
Side entrance to the School of Nursing
The first day was filled with lots of lectures and workshops. Billing and coding, diagnosing and managing headache complaints, and a really fascinating lecture about new biologic medications.
Awkward shot with a water bottle...lol!
After a morning of lectures, they provided us with lunch catered from Panera. No complaints from this girl!
Again, poor picture quality here...oops :)
After lunch we had a "wound management" workshop. The largest part of this workshop included learning suture, but we also practiced staples, punch biopsies, and incision and drainage. Loved it ;)
Here you can see my simple interrupted sutures, one staple, and my punch biopsy (that little hole in the right middle)
Instruments on the field are the scalpel, needle driver, scissors, and surgical punch.
All the little black strings are from previous sutures that I pulled out to keep practicing
After the wound management workshop, we held a panel to talk about taking care of vulnerable populations in healthcare. Our panelists included a social worker from an HIV clinic, a manager from substance abuse rehab, and a mother of two children with sickle cell disease. It was really interesting to hear about their stories and perspectives in their line of work. I especially appreciated hearing the mother's personal perspective about the healthcare her children have received and assumptions from healthcare workers about their pain and complaints.
That marked the end of our first day. A few friends and I decided to go out to eat, so we drove to downtown Durham to some hip little pizza place. It was delicious. We had a nice chat about policies in obstetric management over dinner like it was the most normal thing in the world. I'm pretty sure grad school has ruined all my normal social skills!
garlic, kale, spinach and sausage with white sauce
Day #2 on campus (Thursday) started out with insulin pumps. Since I'm enrolled in an endocrinology specialty, I also had workshops for my diabetes class this trip. We were required to wear insulin pumps the last two days we were on campus, so on Thursday morning we met with some reps from the company who showed us how to attach them and program them. It was a really interesting experience. The pumps were filled with saline instead of insulin, but they were on and running like we really were diabetics. For those last two days we had to check our blood sugar with each meal and bolus our "insulin" accordingly, taking into account our meal or snack intake. I was thinking about the pump all day, and even though I'm not diabetic it had me worried about what my blood sugar was going to be and how it would react to the food I was eating. It would be so overwhelming to know this was a disease you'd be living with for the rest of your life. We even had to wear these pumps home with us that night, sleep and shower with them, etc. It was a really valuable experience that I think will better help me manage my diabetic patients.
After getting trained on the insulin pump, I had to go back to a few OB workshops. We had some pregnant patients at various weeks gestation where we got to practice palpating the presentation of the baby in their abdomen. We also practiced finding fetal heart tones with a handheld doppler. These rotations were pretty easy for me because I did them every day as a labor & delivery nurse ;). I also didn't need much help in the lactation station; I've probably had 12 hours class-time of professional breastfeeding training, in addition to well over 100 hours of helping patients breastfeed on the floor as an RN. We practiced pap smears and then had a display table with all these different contraception options. The tables were so pretty, I had to take pictures! (again I apologize, for some reason when I upload the pictures onto my blog they're pretty grainy and hard to read!)
This shows a few different options for intrauterine devices - these ones are the Mirena and Paraguard
This section was mostly about diaphragms
These CycleBead bracelets are so neat!!
Such a cool chart, I want one some day! Each slice of this "pie" talks about a different birth control method
LARCs (long-acting reversible contraception devices) are by far the MOST reliable methods of contraception (except of course absence of ovaries/uterus or abstinence)
AND THEN...my favorite part of the day! Practicing IUD insertion. They gave us lots of goodies to take home and practice with.
IUDs for everyone!
Also P.S. this didn't take place at Duke but last week as part of my OBGYN rotation I got to place my first IUD on a real person!! It was awesome.
Placing an IUD can be pretty painful, but good news is the pain is only short term!
After our OB workshops, I had to head back to my endocrinology cohort for some lectures about carb counting and adjusting insulin treatments. One of the dietitians we had talk to us is a Type I diabetic herself, so it was nice to ask her questions about her experience as a patient and characteristics she thought were helpful in a provider giving care to diabetics. We did a bunch of complex case studies for the rest of the day. When it was time to go home, many of my classmates were going out to barbecue for dinner (I wanted to go so bad!!) but we had a test the next morning that I didn't feel prepared for at all. So I declined and went back to my hotel to study. Turns out I was exhausted and fell asleep around 8 pm. Whoops!
My walk to the medical school on Friday morning...it was a pretty overcast day at the Duke Medicine Circle (it literally is a circle). That large building is Duke Medical Center. It is in-between the medical school and the nursing school. Duke University Hospital is down the road a bit.
The next morning I got to start out my day with a test. Not "test" in the traditional sense of the word, but a standardized patient. This is a common method of testing comprehension and skill for medical students and PA/NP students. Basically the school hires patients and trains them to run a patient encounter for us. We go into their patient room like we would at the clinic and ask them why they're there that day, then continue to collect their history, do the exam, reach a diagnosis and discuss treatment with them. We usually have a time frame to do this (15-30 minutes) and there is a camera in the room so our faculty can observe and grade us from another room. After our time is up the faculty comes into the room, we present the patient to the faculty like we would to our preceptor in clinical, and then get feedback from the hired patient about how comfortable they felt around us, things they did or didn't like, etc.
These standardized patients take place in a wing of patient rooms built just for this purpose in the medical school building. So that's where I spent most of my Friday morning!
Trent Semans Center of Duke School of Medicine
It was an interesting experience because this was testing our competency as an endocrine specialist, not just a primary care provider. In other words, how well would we manage this patient after receiving a referral from a family practice provider. In case you're wondering, I aced it. I had been so worried about not being prepared, but I had completed a case study before coming to campus that was very similar to the patient situation I ended up getting.
After the patient encounter, I had to write up the chart note to document the visit (we get graded on those too). I stayed in the lobby of the medical school to finish it up before heading back to the nursing building on the other side of the medical campus.
Working at the bottom floor of the medical school...the building you can barely see the top of through the middle pane is the roof of Duke Chapel!
The rest of my Friday was spent with my endocrine cohort. We got to go to Grand Rounds for the endocrinology department of Duke Medical Center...it was so neat! I left feeling totally inspired and in awe of everything that physicians learn. Hearing a discussion among these fellows and attendings about just one protein and how greatly it can impact our function or create disease was truly fascinating.
The last bit of our day on campus we spent talking to reps from several different insulin pump companies. It was really helpful to handle several different types of pumps, insulin delivery devices and methods for continuous glucose monitoring. It did make me a little sad though to see how the market for these items is a little corrupt, and many patients don't get options to choose which pump they want even though they all cost the same (it has to do with insurance...surprise surprise). After the reps left we finally got to take our insulin pumps out and debriefed about our experience using them. That wrapped up my three days on campus!
When we finally finished I took a walk over to Duke Chapel, because I can't not visit there if I'm on campus. Seriously, it is SO beautiful! Campus was buzzing during my walk over there because people were heading to Cameron Stadium for the Duke football game against Miami. I mean seriously, SO MUCH BLUE on campus. Everyone was wearing their school gear. We lost, but hey.
I spy with my little eye...some more Blue Devil shirts.
And that wraps up my trip to campus! I left early the next morning (Saturday) to come back to Idaho and then started my first OBGYN rotation that next Monday. It was exhausting, but I love seeing the progress I've made and I'm feeling very excited about my future career!
I had a long struggle last night. I needed to send an email to my boss, and I sat in bed for over an hour with the mouse hovering over the "send" button. I knew I needed to send her this email, but I didn't really want to. I cried.
Because my heart is breaking just a little bit. Maybe a lot bit.
You see, I found out yesterday that I officially need to move in order to finish my schooling. It is something that I've been anticipating, but over the last few weeks I wasn't quite sure when or where I would actually need to move...it could have been in a few weeks, it could have been August. It could have been California, it could have been North Carolina - due to a lot of uncontrollable factors I just didn't know. Maybe I wouldn't even have to move at all.
Yesterday a miracle happened and I finally got a preceptor for my clinical course this summer (several weeks behind schedule). After meeting her and her staff, I feel unbelievably lucky to do my rotation there and that she was so willing to take me as a student at the last minute. But in order to do my rotation with her, I have to relocate - her office is located five hours away, and I can't afford to make that commute every week. Not to mention that from here on out, my school load is increasingly heavier because I added extra classes and clinical to my curriculum.
So last night, I sent my letter of resignation to my boss. And I totally cried.
I'm going to really miss being a bedside nurse. Ever since starting my master's degree, I find myself feeling a little nostalgic at work and trying to savor all of the sweet experiences that I have there, because they now need to last me a lifetime. There's something about being there for a baby's first breath, their first bath, answering questions of anxious first time parents and teaching them how to swaddle a baby, making friends and joking with the patients and their families. There's something about feeding a baby in the NICU at 3 am, and being there for the little babes when their parents can't be there.
When I worked in pediatrics, I was always amazed at the enthusiasm of these little kiddos - how brave they are and how they try not to let things get to them. I even got to take care of two little guys on peds that I took care of for a couple months in the NICU...and even though they weren't my children, I was so excited to see them again and how much they were growing and progressing. The kids get so excited to tell you that they ate their whole popsicle or finally were able to go to the bathroom, or they show you their cool new toys and brightly-colored shoes. And it's kind of fun when they flash you a toothless grin when they make their daily walk around the nursing unit.
I remember feeling so overwhelmed as a nursing student in the hospital, and now the hospital is like home to me. My coworkers are my second family. And it rips at my heart to have to leave. Truly, hospitals have become such a special, special place to me and I don't quite know what I'll do without it.
I still am really excited about being a nurse practitioner, and this is where I've always wanted to be. But since the type of nurse practitioner certification I'm pursuing doesn't yield many hospital positions, I am wrestling with my farewell to the inpatient world.
And just because I'm hanging on to every last bit, I want to share some videos with you...there are so many of them on YouTube, but these two stuck out to me this week.
This first one, tear jerker for sure. It's patients and families like these that keep you coming back to work.
This one may take place in the ER, but they are the types experiences nurses on every unit will go through on a daily basis. You never know what's going to walk through the door, and you're there to take care of a patient at a very vulnerable time.
My journey of becoming a nurse is easily one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm so grateful that I'll always get to carry "RN" behind my name.
Holy bananas Batman. I am SO glad this semester is over! I thought I would give a quick update.
When the semester first started in January I quickly became overwhelmed. I'm not a quitter but I was really considering whether or not finishing the program was worth it! That first week I made a list of every assignment, project and test that I would be required to complete throughout the semester and tacked it to a wall in my bedroom. It brought a lot of satisfaction to cross each item off as I went! As silly as it seems, having that list really helped me make it through because I could always see that the end was in sight.
Pretty much everything in my life suffered from neglect the last four months so if you have been trying to get a hold of me I am so very sorry! In my whole academic career there has only been one other semester as difficult as this one, and I truly did not have time for anything in my life other than school and work. I didn't get to attend a single church activity outside of the regular Sunday meetings and I turned down most outings with friends. I even turned down many family activities. It has been insane.
On the plus side, I know much more about diagnosing and medicine than I knew at the beginning of the semester. Still not nearly enough, but yay for progress!
Now that the semester is finally over, I get a break for two weeks and I have been trying to relax but it has proven to be a difficult task. More than ever I realize how much I don't know and I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to spend this break doing more studying so I can be at the top of my game for clinical this summer. However, I really really need a break after the hell that was last semester, so I'm feeling some major conflict inside!
In that same train of thought, I'm having some major anxiety about clinical. To make a long story (and several misunderstandings) short, I may have to move very far away to complete my schooling. Not the plan, and I'm not happy about it. I'm not sure where I'm moving yet and I may not know until two weeks before I have to be there, but I'm trying to be positive. Key word: "trying" :)
I also had some health stuff come up towards the end of my semester that just added to the mix of craziness. I didn't really tell anyone about it at the time, but I was getting worked up to rule out cancer. After a few consults they decided to do a few months of "watchful waiting" then reevaluate if things get worse at any point in time. I'm really hoping for not worse because I literally can't afford to not finish this program. Being sick doesn't scare me nearly as much as the amount of debt I've accumulated does haha.
SOME GOOD NEWS:
I am going to be an aunt!! I seriously can hardly contain my excitement. I just want this little man to be born already but he's still got a few months of incubating. I've decided working in L&D has made me a nervous wreck when it comes to pregnancy, but it's fun to be able to feel where his little body is in my sister's belly!
I got started back on Metformin for my PCOS and it is not making me deathly sick like it used to. PRAISE THE HEAVENS. My body actually feels much better this time around so I'm hoping it will stay this way!
Summer is upon us. I am beyond ready for barbecues and shaved ice with custard (Karie Anne's, I'm lookin at you) and nights in the park and drives through the mountains. Unless of course I don't live here anymore, then I will just have to find summer adventures somewhere else.
I will
never forget my first night on the unit as a labor & delivery nurse.
I will be honest, I was terrified. It wasn’t a job I
took because I wanted it; it was a job I took because I needed a job. Even
though I had been a nurse for almost three years, I didn’t know much about labor
and delivery. I knew enough to be scared. I knew that it was a high risk area
and that things could go so very wrong in the blink of an eye. I didn’t like
losing an element of control…there’s only so much you can do to try and fix a
baby while it is still inside its momma. I would have felt much more
comfortable back in the NICU where I could actually touch the baby!
Fear and
apprehension aside, a small part of me was excited to learn something new. I
was curious as to what my new role would look like.
I had seen
deliveries a few times before. As a nursing student I got to see a few, and
then on a few occasions as a nursery nurse I got called to labor & delivery
to assist with the baby immediately after birth. But none of that resembled
anything close to my experience my first day on L&D.
It was a
night shift in late March, and my work started at 6 pm. The patient I assumed
care of had been admitted earlier in the day after her water broke. She had
been laboring for several hours, and decided to get an epidural shortly after I
got on shift. The amount of support I needed to provide to my patient during
labor was minimal after that…we allowed her to rest and my preceptor began
teaching me things I would need to know. Around 10 pm, my preceptor and I went
to do a cervical exam to see how much progress our patient had made. She was
dilated to 10 cm (which we term “complete,” meaning the cervix has completely
dilated to allow the baby to pass through the birth canal). After the exam, I
felt my adrenals kicking in. This woman would be having her baby soon. And I
was going to get to be a part of the whole thing.
When it was
time to start pushing, I stood on one side of the patient’s bed as her husband
stood on the other. Together, we supported my patient’s legs as my preceptor
coached her through pushing. I offered words of encouragement and support as we
continued, and soon became overwhelmed with gratitude and humility for the
opportunity to participate in such an event. The moment this child would be
born would be a moment that would forever change the course of the future. As I
watched this momma give everything she had to bring this child into the world,
I choked up a little on the inside. There I stood, in the same position as many
women throughout the history of the world, as they assisted other women in
their villages and communities with childbirth. For thousands of years they had
done exactly as I was doing on that night, and I felt the strength, unity and
power that comes with that kind of sisterhood. The gravity of that moment was
not lost on me.
A year
later, I am still a little in awe that I get to be a part of this every week as
my job. I get paid to help women have
babies. I get to help coach them through labor, answer their questions, and
eventually assist in bringing their baby into this world. I get to help them
feed their baby and answer their questions about their baby’s health. I get to
teach them about all of the changes that their body is going through and what
to expect in the postpartum period. I get to be an advocate, encourager and
friend. This is my job. And I couldn’t
be more grateful for it, even on the hard days.
I find
great joy in helping a woman through her labor or c-section, and helping her
and her partner fully experience (as far as they wish it) this process at a
time that is so uniquely theirs. It is a job that is all about encouragement.
Of course,
it isn’t always easy.Despite
all of the advances that we have in modern medicine, there is a significant level
of “uncontrollable-ness” in regards to conception, pregnancy, and delivery. Not
everyone gets to have a baby when they want to, and not everyone gets to have a
baby. Not everyone has a healthy pregnancy and delivery, and not everyone gets
a healthy baby.
Those are
the tougher moments of my job…knowing what to say and what not to say as a
mother comes in to deliver a baby that has passed while still in her womb.
Knowing how to comfort a father as his wife is whisked away for an emergency
c-section in which the outcome for both wife and child is unknown. Knowing how
to tell new parents “your baby is struggling a little bit” as the baby is
transferred to intensive care. Knowing how to be there for your patient and
continue the necessary care after the physician delivers a terrifying diagnosis
or any kind of bad news.
This is
what I signed up for.
The good and the bad.
And to be a
good nurse through all of it. To not have my emotions compromise what needs to
be done.
As a nurse I juggle between mourning with those
that mourn, comforting those who stand in need of comfort - and then again find
joy and excitement in the next moment to celebrate with those who are in a
season of joy. It is sometimes particularly difficult for me to
change composure like that only in the time it takes to walk from one
room to the next. I never know what I'm going to walk into when I go to work,
and it would be easier to just turn all the emotion off. But I'm still human,
and how can I not feel joy at the birth of a baby or feel sorrow during some
sort of loss? Being a "professional" in these instances doesn't make
me immune to those traits that come with being a living soul. Nursing for me
stands at the precipice of human emotion, and it is the pinnacle of my humanity.
If
anything, working in labor & delivery has taught me that life keeps on moving anyway, no matter
the struggle. A minute, an hour may feel like eternity – but it always passes. And
even when it feels like you can’t take it any longer, I promise you that you
can. Just one more minute. You can do anything for 60 seconds. And even if you
have to take it one minute at a time, that minute will eventually pass. You
were born to handle this, and you are stronger and more capable than you know.
Keep pushing forward, don’t give up, and life will keep on moving.
